after my last entry, i pretty much got sick for a week with an awful cold. my immune system had been so shot after all the working and drinking and smoking that i just crashed. i'm good now though, minus spitting up mucus in my throat every 10 minutes.

the past two weeks have been really busy. (same shit) haven't had much time to code. haven't had much time to think about what i'm even doing with this coding, other than writing entries. whatever.

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bullshit that has been clogging my brain...

currently, i'm about 7-8 months in at this job i started last year. the work can be hard and rigorous on my body, but it's steady, consistant, and has benefits. everything for the most part is going well and i'm able to save money up for top surgery, which i know is more than what most can do. but something feels off. or weird. or maybe i'm just getting caught up in things. lately i've been getting a lot of attention... i keep getting asked to move around and try new things, and supervisors seem desperate to have me in their department or for me to move up and take on more work. i know its good to be needed at work, but my social battery is drained and i'm worried about the expectations piling on me. i fucking hate being good at my job sometimes...

ontop of work politics, i've been getting to know some of my coworkers more than others, and i'm not entirely sure how to feel about it. it's cool that i manage to be friends or mutuals with a lot of people, but it's gotten to a point where i'm starting to get tired of them. there's too much drama at work and people are getting too comfortable with confiding their gossip with me. i know i've always been someone people can approach and tell their shit to, but i need some damn boundaries.

i don't know... i'm tired. i need my alone time. never really thought of myself as a lone wolf, but i really hate being tied to anyone - let alone a person that i don't personally feel that attached to.

and i hate that somehow that makes me feel like an asshole.

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despite being in a hellhole, i'm currently being held together by my daily binging between health and cyberpunk 2077. it's my perfect vice away from all the other fucked things i know i shouldn't be doing. (but i'd be lying if i said i am not tempted by them)

as for the site - i'm thinking of consolidating again the music page to here, somewhere. once i've managed to consolidate all the personal stuff to a page, i'll start making site pages for projects - or so that's my hope. we'll see.

god, i only worked three days this past week and i still managed to feel beat by the end of it. like i'm killing it at work, but this shit is eating away at me. the burnout is real af...

it feels like all i can focus on these days is my restlessness and exhaustion. my mind and body are thrashing around on the inside while i externally remain dull and weak. i keep telling myself the pain is temporary, but it's lasting way longer than i expected. in fact, i'm feeling a sickness catching up to me currently...

anyways - right now i'm attempting to maintain the website with weekly updates. it's a struggle to write proper entries and to not over-edit, but it's a work in progress (as is the rest of the site). i'm mostly glad that i've been keeping up with it, despite having had several temptations to get rid of it all again. it seems that i don't really have any reason to as i don't really interact on the internet in any other way. it's my one good source of an outlet, and i appreciate being able to learn and try new things within it.

fortunatley, this site has given me something to look forward to.

well, the concert was amazing.

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minus the fact that i drank one too many beers...

actually, it was kind of a problem!! i remember a good lot of the night thankfully, but i am not happy with myself... a lot of the exisiting dysphoria i was feeling two weeks prior, caught up and turned into me disassociating at random throughout the last week. so without being cognisant that i was still feeling that, drinking at the concert just fueled that fire and got out of hand. nobody got hurt, but i fell over twice and probably made an ass of myself. (joke: i accidently went into the men's room and it hadn't phased me at first because i thought it was a progressive "inclusive" bathroom. lmao. it obviously was not...)

ugh. i've been trying to talk to myself about the circumstance and forgive myself, but it's been an uphill battle. my shame and embarrassment will end, but i'm sad that i won't be able to undo that night. all i can hope is that i'll be able to see them again at some point - sober.

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aside from all that, i still had fun. pixel grip was amazing as expected, and king yosef was incredibly powerful. all three bands made me realize how i want to go and see more shows in the city, especially more metal/electronic based gigs.

since the weekend i've just been focusing on recovering, getting my allergy shots, and whatever i can muster the will to do. work has just been taking all of my energy. and it just sucks feeling like i have so little time dedicated for the rest of my life - between house chores, medical visits, hobbies, and friends. let alone for anything that i haven't even mentioned.

who knows, maybe it's just my bp2 or sad that's getting to me currently. maybe i'll just have to be okay with not being in the ideal place right now. maybe i'm just meant to struggle a little as the seasons change...

we'll see. time will tell.

hi. hello.

i just updated a bunch of shit on the site. don't really know how i feel about it all, but i'm swallowing my pride and letting it be. fyi, my portfolio is on my about page. i didn't really feel comfortable just sticking it right onto the index page because i eventually want to create a gallery of found images and place that there instead. so yeah.

plus my art feels personal and embarrassing. i'm 31 and i shouldn't care but i miserably do. why am i built this way? i don't know. (maybe i will just need to build confidence.)

to be real, i've been dealing with a really bad case of dysphoria this past week. of course it's nothing new for me - but for some reason it's been really nagging at me lately. i've been trying to combat it by being active and distracting myself as much as i can while also saving money for top surgery. but no matter what i do or tell myself, everything feels like it's taking fucking forever... like... what the fuck? here i am kicking my ass, day in and out, just trying to get this shit done with. but i'm starting to feel like i'm neglecting myself somehow. how long can i keep running this marathon?

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what offset the dysphoria

so this is a side tangent and i don't care to get into too many details with this. but last monday, a coworker/friend of mine (who supposedly likes me, oops) got a fresh new cut and looked really good tbh. i really enjoy when my male peers clean up well - maybe it wasn't that personal of a thing but i could tell his hair was weighing down on him. but i'm getting off topic.

i guess he looked so good, that i started noticing how he was wearing a sleeveless deftones shirt. you know, the look where the sides are cut in a bit and you can see the torso? yeah, that. i was feeling that highschool lusted feeling between need, want, and desire at once. fuck i thought. why can't i do that? she would have liked that too.

tldr; bro looked too good. i felt insecure.

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either way, i know in the end things will work out. i'm just tired of the hustle. all i can do right now is just stick with my routines and have faith in them.

speaking of faith, i am aware that i am six days away from the health concert. i'm so fucking ready for it. i've been binging so much of their music, it's probably not good, but i don't care.

ps. i said fuck too many times...

here i am again. there are no new major updates for today as i'm still figuring out the layout and function of this site.

aside from that, i had another long week at work and i'm definitely sore. somehow i managed to go out for dinner and briefly to a club last night with some friends. it was surreal. the room was dark but the lights were dazzling and colorfully lit by these parallel projected walls. i could barely see anybody actually but i could see their shadowed silhouettes. at times you could see parts of the their faces through the flashing bouts of color beaming from the disco ball. the room just felt so invitingly warm and hypnotic... it was beautiful in a sense.

or maybe i just had a few drinks and the night was just taking me. haha.

but it was cool to free myself with good friends, and even allow myself to trust them and not worry. its scary to think of trusting friends, especially since i haven't even had many in recent times. so last night felt grounding. i'm glad i went through with it.

looking forward to future good times.

ps. i'm going to see health with pixel grip in two weeks and i'm so excited i can't stop thinking about it!! what a perfect show made on earth... ah...

last night i decided to take some time to work on this site since it's been about a little over a week. i've been kept busy between work and life so there hasn't been a lot of time to dedicate to it.

three days ago was my birthday. like any other day, i went to work like usual and decided to buy some donuts for friends and coworkers. i'm not usually about my birthday, but within recent years i've tried doing small things to celebrate. it makes the years that pass feel a little lighter.

over the weekend i spent some time with my partner, since i felt lately i've been gone alot and haven't had time to spend with him. we watched all of us strangers (2023) friday night with a bottle of apothic white and two pizzas. god that movie was so good... it definitely scratched an itch for me.

the next day we hit the city and ate some korean food that was worth every penny. we took a walk afterwards and i happened upon a goth shop with various trinkets. i found these two gorgeous little art deco martini glasses that i just had to buy. it's funny how as i get older, as get to know myself, i seem to gravitate towards the same styles no matter how seemingly random they appear at the moment.

anyway, that's mostly all i really have to say for now. i'm unsure as to how often i will write here, as i already have a journal that i write in privately. but a part of me also realizes that putting these words out helps me understand as to how i want to communicate with others about myself - something i struggle a lot with in life.

something to think about...

it's been over a year since i was last here. so much has changed, yet so much has also remained the same. funny enough i've found myself back on this site after all this time because of the same problems i ran into last time.

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insert instagram rant (click at your own discretion)

i hate instagram.

after having pulled myself away from instagram for several years prior, i stumbled back into it recently because of friends and a lack of an activity to do in my downtime. what a huge mistake.

despite having used it in isolation intially, and not interacting with anyone on it - i was able to gather helpful food videos and inspirations for tattoos that i wanted. i was practically using it privatly for the most part. but of course a friend wanted to add me... and then another friend... and next thing you know i'm being bombarded with videos and images i wouldn't normally consume, nor have interest in. after that, it just became this endless loophole of running around on the explore page for the next thing - and in doing that, my dopamine levels and ability to focus has taken a huge hit from this bullshit. i should have known better... /sigh

so here i am, exhausted from the instagram craze once again. i knew this would happen, but i didn't think it would bring me back here either. i can't say i have the same ambitions i had when i started this site, but i do miss having a nice corner to come back to.

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what you are currently seeing here is a version of another site i created on neocities before creating nebulizer. i don't know why i deleted it, or abandoned it for that matter, but if you are to know anything about me - these are my typical patterns. i will create something, then abandon it, and inevitably delete it. i can't seem to help it - though i guess i'm trying to undo some of it.

i'm hoping to continue what i started all those years back and to try to stick with it for a longer run this time.