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10.11.22 backtracking

listening to: not to follow by morbid curiosity
watching: dennou coil

usually i try to make these log entries on thursdays, but it's just been so busy at work and i'm so dead after it so i didn't have a chance to get to it.

tldr; day job is exhaustive amidst covid, the retail/fast food jobs have gotten so much worse... in the beginning of it i had the opportunity to work a desk job, but unfortunatley it didn't work for me in the long run after a year and a half. before that job, i had worked on and off within fast food for a total of 5-6 years (as well as a print job being somehwere inbetween there for a good year). usually in such places, there would be your typical full time workers that were *older that would kind of run the store (*basically anyone above the age of 22). but i can tell they all got burnt out in the beginning of covid (no surprise) and now there's been this influx of teenagers filling in these huge gaps. the fact that they have no obligation to come in on time, or at all if they're not feeling it, has gotten real tiresome. don't get me wrong, there are a few teens who actually do the job well - shit some of them are even trainers and work just as hard as the adults... even so, it doesn't equal out in the end...

it's gotten so exhausting just within a month of working here due to the fact that every shift i come into, at least one person calls out each day. it's a sad situation because i can't even blame them. if employees constantly have to fill in for an extra shift here and there, they're going to get tired... and it gets even worse when 3 people call out and the crew gets completely rammed trying to run the store. ugh... i know that's not news to anybody but... whatever... regardless of how this all sounds, i've been able to manage to keep my head above it.

bigger joke is i'm thinking of getting promoted to a "higher" position for a dollar more... not sure if i should just do it or not but... seems like i should at this rate. i'm already working my ass off, might as well get paid for it...

yet my focus is still trying to refigure a future profession so i can get out of this retail/fast food hellhole... i have a feeling i might need to consider looking for another job that doesn't drain me as much, so that i have time to focus on learning a new skill.

good news is that i might have a better idea than what i initially had two weeks ago. i've discussed the possibility of getting into graphic design, but i'm not convinced that it's a proper fit for me. i do appreciate graphic design conceptually, but i doubt that's enough to really push and motivate me in my learning experience.

on the other hand, my partner and i have been discussing about me taking up color grading. he's already in the independent film industry with his film composing and he's had to do some grading for his own marketing purposes. it also seems just about every week that he finds folks looking for a color gradist, which gives me hope that there is a good demand for them. this upcoming week on my days off i am looking to watch a few videos on color grading to determine if it's a good fit. so far i'm fairly optimisitc considering that one of my biggest gripes is finding a job that mediates between being mostly objective while maintaining some sense of creativity.

ps: you might have noticed but i redesigned the site. before creation, i wanted my site be less "dark", but somehow i ended going back to my goth ways... it's spooky season, fuck it.

09.29.22 overthinking

listening to: sergeant politeness by failure
watching: the expanse

another week, another morning. today is another day off away from my new job. it's only been a month but i'm already not feeling it. of all the places i've worked at, there is an uneasy amount of gossip at this place. it's not even an office space - yet it feels just as chatty as one at times. not sure if it's due to the overwhelming amount of teenagers or if it's because the gm is easily overcooked on really mundane shit. either way, i'd be lying if i said it wasn't wearing on me. but hey, i need the money and this is just to get the bills paid for now. all i can say is i really have no beef with anyone (except for one guy, though it's not enough to get me to make drama over).

regardless - i've been pondering over my last entry and my overall trajection. i have a tendency to make bold claims to force myself to action then wonder why i don't feel compelled to jump. it always comes back to forcing myself to work before having fun and learning something new - scared of knowing it's going to be messy, ugly, and imperfect in the beginning. so as much as i want to jump into fixing up the site again, i'm going to leave it as is while i focus on what is going on with my art.

yes, i know i don't even have any art up on this site. i have folders of collections from over the years but i'm holding back on showing any of it. it's not bad. i just don't think i want to hold onto it anymore. i'm interested in doing something different. maybe even doing something similar, maybe even touching up on some older styles, but not the same. i feel different. the act of drawing - it's not just a skill to me. it's the way i live and see things. and right now? i'm fucking bored out of my mind. and a tad bit cynical.

staying on track with my thoughts... i want to practice drawing for a bit. see what comes up. i think i'm just a bit rusty and having to rethink how drawing works - especially since i haven't drawn digitally in a long time. who knows, it might not even be for me, but i'd like to at least give it a good try. i'm considering of trying to think of drawing more as a graphic element than an illustration. somewhere between painting; mood, color, texture - and a focus on shape and lines... really utilize my ability to create a composition from nothing... nobody knows what the hell i'm saying, but it's my own food for thought.

anyway, i'm gonna go make rice and get use out of this day before it's gone. over and out.

sidenote: i've been helping my partner with his website via squarespace... it's turning out great, but fuck squarespace. it's supposed to be for dummies but god it is it fucking convoluted and junky. i'm not a coding expert by any means but i was really about to have a stroke over the simplest things...

09.22.22 new beginning

listening to: chucked by rob crow
watching: jikan no eve

it's been two days since i've created this site - unfortunately work had beat me to a pulp since then, so i couldn't really finish up the way i had initially planned. it's not entirely what i want it to be yet, though i look forward to adding more to it as time goes by. a few images need to be added to the homepage, and i'm thinking of seperating the home and index pages for something a little different - as the pages are looking a bit more plain than i intended.

aside from all the small website elements, i'm looking forward to making some art so i can get to posting. it's been a minute where i've made practice for myself, and i really need to get back into the swing of things.

the sole purpose of this site is mostly creative - aside from my personal endeavors. i'm really trying to break out of my current work scenario and i need an alternative path. when i was in college a little less than a decade ago, i was determined to get into illustration. i wasn't the best, though i would say i was pretty damn good (good enough to get somewhere...), but one of my parents seemed easily persuaded in thinking i was too good and i should do something different. god was that the worst decision, ontop of going into animation in which they could care less about your drawing ability... but i'm not here to mourn or regret.

so right now i'm in a place where i'm contemplating my path down the road. i'm really determined to get back into art somehow... i know for my current situation, a day job will have to suffice in the meanwhile. as to what kind of art, that's to be determined. i think all in all, i want to develop better graphic design eye for things - or find ways of implementing it with my already basic illustrative skills.

i'm struggling to determine if i intend to work as a freelance loner or if i'd be interested in some kind of design firm... either way, it's something that i'm going to be thinking about for the next six months. really hoping my day job doesn't suck all the life out of me, but hey that's why i've made this site - just so i can make sure i'm sticking to what i set out to do.

ps: here are some pixiv artists i've been admiring recently - あきま , 殿茶 , 穴子 , asoi
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